My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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