Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
