Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
