Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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