Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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