Just cropdusted the office
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
