So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
