So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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