I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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