Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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