I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
