omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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