1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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