i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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