oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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