If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Randomize
