The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
