..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
