I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
