well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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