can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize