Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
