Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
