Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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