someone threw a dead crab at me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
organizing the empties. That sober.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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