I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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