who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
