So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I smell stomach acid.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
