I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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