I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
