i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
