Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
