You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
