Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
