somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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