i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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