The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
