Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
