I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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