I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
