I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
