; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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