there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
