shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i will never coherently bang her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
