It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
