Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Randomize
