Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
