I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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