I puked a lego.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
