I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
