I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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