mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
