Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
