I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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