So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
